I thought ..

If I am not born - No more suffering. No marriage between my Mum and Dad. No extra money
used to raise me. No LOVE.

If I am a girl - More money spend. More people Love. More accessories? Better Life still?

If I am independent - I am strong. I can do whatever I am comfortable with.

tell me.. What is wrong with me?

I suddenly thought what i really need. I want True Love. Someone to be there for me. Readily there for me. Parental Love ends at the age of 21. Both my Mum and Dad will eventually gets their own wife/husband outside. Their had your own life. How could I ever interrupted their life. Even though they said that I am their son. It's okay. It makes me hate my family more. I somewhat lost the warmth. I don't like the feeling. It's tired. Disgusting.! Sometimes I wonder. Would it be better if I was not born. I somewhat understand the why the taoism show alwys state that the world is a PAINFUL place to be in. It seems true...

I realise. It is hard to be happy in this world. the world is so practical. Bad is bad, Good is Good. It's just a thin line difference. How much can you remain happy. I hate God sometimes. Or maybe my fate to be exact. We always ask God for Blessing. yet, we always get into trouble. Maybe thats Fate. Thats Why I don't hate God. What can they do? That's Fate.!

Secrets. It meant to be something that should not be told or known. but Fate is always playing tricks on us. It somewhat can't be kept. Maybe i should say that I am a COWARD. I dare not face this situation and don't wish to get into TROUBLE especially with my close ones - Friends and Family. i always envy those people who dares to defend themselves before their parents. they made their own stands, BUT it's rude. I know that. Filial Piety. Shouting at parents, trying to give our own stand - WRONG! How can we ever made our own stands! It's hard? Isn't it?

I always said. 'Live for yourself. NOT OTHERS'. That's my policy! But. I dare not to use it in front of my family. It's very very very hard for me to fulfill it. I can't bring myself to hurt my LOVES one. I felt being scolded for injustice. I tiold myself. Where is JUSTICE ! Where? Supreme court? I never speak out for myself when my mum scold me or whoever scold me when I feel that i was not wrong. I accepted whatever I do. I accept the consequences.! It's Pain and Tired. Very Tired. I don't want this feeling and situation. It's hard. I HATE IT!. I want someone to LOVE me, Take care of me, Always be there for me!.